Tinder

Here is what I love about tinder, its totally for me. I can’t function in a normal situation anymore I love Tinder so much. I try to swipe people away in real life. “Like go left, go away from me. I don’t like you” I feel like I am swiping them from existence. Here is what I hate bout Tinder: the flakes. How can we textually harass each other for a week, exchange an alarming number of pics and discuss everything from diet plans to politics to dealing with flakes and then … make a plan for lunch and even confirm it the before and then… Nothing. No call, no text, no show. I am adorable. I deserve not to be ghosted. But then again, it is Tinder.

Fucking Cokeheads

Let me tell you what i hate: fucking cokeheads. I don’t understand the thought process of someone who likes to pay money to purchase a substance that makes them uneasy and impotent. I hate the fact that rich, white people do coke and somehow feel like they are re-enacting the good parts of Pulp Fiction and not a 30 minute chemistry process away from being the crackhead Dave Chapell.

I hate the fact that people can spend an entire night only listening to the same top 40’s songs and doing coke and then turn and look down on me and say that I am boring. Literally you have done nothing at all tonight. I have had more fun on a Tuesday completely sober than you have had this entire month coked out. I can’t help but feel disdain for these fucks as they sway and twitch unknowingly and repeat themselves and ask the same goddamn questions over and over. Do you know that if you are on coke, you literally think that you are having fun but in reality you are just doing coke. And no, you may not do a line off of my tits. Because I said so. Because the last thing that I want near me is your dry mouth heavy breathing over me while you try to overcome the dilated pupils you have succumbed to in order to see a white line. And forget trying to convince me to do any of it. I would rather be anally fucked with no lube than stick that shit up my nose. Bleck. End #workrant

My Millennial Bucket List

I want to learn how to deal cards, because as I was arm candy to this old rich trash bag for a measly $200 last night; the girl dealing the cards at this private poker game was making easily $500. I am in the wrong business.

 

This is very important, I have so many things that I need to get done. And with my upcoming birthday (September 19th) I need to get this all down:

  1. I want to learn Spanish so that I can more accurately converse with people.
  2. I want to learn how to deal cards, because as I was arm candy to this old rich trash bag for a measly $200 last night; the girl dealing the cards at this private poker game was making easily $500. I am in the wrong business.
  3. ¬†Finish my Bachelor’s
  4. I want to buy a house
  5. I want to go to law school
  6. I will see my son graduate from college
  7. I want make out with a trans girl, preferably a cam girl like Katy Perry on top and a huge schlong on the bottom
  8. I want to graduate with a 4.0 in my undergrad.
  9. I want to make $100k from my investment in bitcoin.
  10. I want to learn how to code.
  11. I want to get a vampire facial
  12. I want a boyfriend but not a husband because I really would like someone to hold, and cuddle-fuck for the winter but summer is Tinder season sooo….
  13. I want to start a nonprofit for recovered drug addicts
  14. Ideally, I find some efficient way to help as many people as possible before I die.
  15. I want my son to be happy.
  16. I think that if there is reincarnation, I’d like to come back as a cat. I can really see myself just lounging around in inconvenient spaces and waiting to be fed and pet. Although, depending on how long I live, this may be an accurate description of my last few years.
  17. I still don’t know all of my times tables, I would like to learn that.
  18. I’d like to spend a year working for the ACLU
  19. I’d like to have an all female, mostly black law firm doing civil and personal injury law. I just love the vision of walking into negotiations and using all that propagated fear of black women for good.